Our Christmas Gift To You

Christmas, Etc. Stories War Over Christmas, cohen Saying 'No' to King Herod, Alberts Eat My Holiday Cheer , Mark Morford the daily scribble A Visit from St. George 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq There was bombing and shelling, troops under attack. The imam in his mosque and the Shia in Iran Were warning Americans, "Leave while you can!" My flak jacket hung on the back of a chair, Next to my list of schools to repair. I was lying exhausted, prostrate on my cot, Thinking of all the things we had not, When out on the grounds of the palace I heard The bang and the hiss of a shoulder-launched bird. The blast blew the window apart in a flash And covered us all in a light coat of ash. With helmet and rifle I ran to the breach To bag a few Baathists who might be in reach. The moon shining bright in the black Baghdad night Illumined a plane near the end of its flight. When a seven four seven came down with a whoosh, I knew in a moment it must be George Bush. It rolled to a stop, the door opened wide, And Dubya came forth, and all those inside. More rabid than foxes his courtiers they came, And he whistled and shouted and gave them new names; "Now, Rummy! now, Wolfie! (Each name, how it fits 'em!) On Condi! on Cheney! It's time now to blitz'em! From the door of the plane to the vast dining hall! Now, dash away, dash away, dash away all!" As sands from the desert are blown in a swirl, Down on the tarmac swooped old Richard Perle Who, faced with reality, always denied That anyone, anywhere, ever had lied. Into the hall Bush brought a green bag And in his lapel wore his little tin flag. His eyes were like BBs, his smile was a smirk. You knew at first glance that this guy was a jerk. "Brave men and women, I bring you good cheer If platitude with attitude you're eager to hear! The folks of Iraq will have nothing to dread When Saddam and his boys are all of them dead. I've brought gifts to Iraq, in my green bag you see: Since government's bad, I'll leave anarchy; Since oil-funded socialism cannot be free, I'll give to the cut-throats our economy. Here's all you need for your great Christmas feast, And for Arabs and Kurds, peace in the Mideast. Should democracy here not turn out just fine, I'll leave justice and freedom for all Palestine. Whatever you hear, you will not make the error Of thinking that you're not at war against terror. The people of Texas kill enough of their own! They don't need Al Queda; their terror's homegrown." And giving a wave and a victory "V" Bush with his gang went sweeping by me To climb up the stairs of their big Boeing sleigh That quickly began to take them away. But I heard him exclaim as he soared out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all on the radical right!" --AC The Night Before Christmas, 2003 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land, not a critic was stirring, for stirring was banned. A thousand brown prisoners, snug in their cells, all held without charges or tinsel or bells; and mamma was wrapped in the national flag, while we sang "Where there's never a boast or a brag." When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the TV I flew like a flash; I then watched "Survivor" and reruns of "Mash." The fireworks, exploding above the new snow, gave a luster of objects to people below. When what saw my wondering eyes in the flashes: a miniature George Bush and eight tiny fascists! Their jerseys were blue and said "WORLD DOMINATION;" I knew right away this was not just claymation. More rapid than eagles the warlords they came, as the little Bush whistled and called them by name: "Now, Daschle! now, Ashcroft! Now Strom, don't relent! On, Poindexter, Rumsfeld! On Henry and Trent! To the top of the globe, while the crowd's at the mall, now bomb away, bomb away, bomb away all!" His sack had a war game for each girl and boy; his pocket, four billion for just Illinois. Far up on his high seat the driver did mount, with more massive weapons than Kofi could count. And then, I heard sounds from away off somewhere, the booming of bombs that were bursting in air. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney old Dick Cheney came with a bound. He said not a word, nor disclosed his location; he wiretapped my house in the name of the nation. Then holding the strings of his little Bush puppet, he went to the chimney and quickly rose up it. The sleigh was still running, but Dick didn't hurry; gas guzzlers, it seemed, were no longer a worry. He popped the champagne and exclaimed as he served it, "The world is now ours, and GOD DAMN, we deserve it!" --Anonymous wizard of whimsey A LETTER TO VIRGRINIA Dear Mr. Politex, I am a 25-year-old female child. Some of my little friends say President Bush will never really cut his massive budget deficit in half, as he promises. Papa says, "If you see it on Bush Watch (www.bushwatch.com), it is so." Please tell me the truth, will President Bush ever cut his massive budget deficit in half? --Virgrinia O. Virgrinia, your little friends are wrong. They have been blighted by fear of the process. They do not believe that a good man can live within the bubble. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. Yes, Virgrinia, there are men who can live in D.C. and not be sullied by the meat grinder of the liberal media. They exist as certainly as spin and hidden profit exists, and you know that they exist and give to political life its greatest rewards. Alas, how dreary would the world be if there were no politicians able to deal with questions of massive budget deficits created to reward wealthy corporations. It would be as dreary as if there were no endless miles of shopping mega-malls or vast entertainment multiplexes. There would be no faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. Not believe that President Bush has a plan to cut his massive budget deficit in half? You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch the grounds of the White House. Will they ever see fairies dance on the White House lawn? They might miss them, but that doesn't mean they aren't there. The President and his backers can imagine all of the circumstances of the seen, the unseen, and the unseeable in the world that cry out for his attention. And that is why he wouldn't even care if, for some unknown reason, like fairness, justice, or sound economic policy, it should turn out that his massive budget deficit will grow larger, rather than smaller. You see, Mr. Bush, always thinking ahead, knows that an even more massive budget deficit will line the pockets of the rich. But after, all it is the rich who gained the White House for him, so he has to make the effort to repay them once again. And, anticipating failure to cut into his massive deficit, the purpose of the plan is to blame the Democrats for not getting more money to the poor, thus helping to ensure Republican victories at the voting booth in 2004. You may tear apart the politician's head and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil there covering his thoughts which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could uncover. If pressed, perhaps a representative of Mr. Bush might spill that part of his plan when his head is ripe. Is his plan for real? Ah, Virgrinia, in all his world there is nothing else as real and abiding. Mr. Bush not dealing with questions of rewarding the rich for their support of him? Thank God, he will be rewarding the rich forever. A thousand years from now, Virgrinia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to be rewarding the rich as we humble children stand by with gladdened hearts!!! --Mr. Politex, Christmas 2003 A Visit From St. Dubyalas Upon one stimulating Christmas Eve, who'd dare take away what you'd best not receive? By H. Bruce Miller, bend.com (hbruce@bend.com) Twas the night before Christmas. Things looked pretty bleak. My boss had just sent me a pink slip last week. Mom was working at Sprawl-Mart to earn a few pennies Without any vacation, fringes or bennies. The market was sagging, and my 401(k) Was as flat as a beer that's been open all day. In quiet desperation, I crept into bed, Where visions of bankruptcy danced in my head. I had just fallen into an uneasy doze When up on the housetop, a clatter arose. Out of my bed I drowsily tumbled, And scratching my head, to the parlor I stumbled. As I rubbed my eyes sleepily, gazing around, Down the chimney Tom Daschle came with a bound! He was sprightly and small, a real cute little elf, And he carried a sack twice the size of himself. He spoke not a word, but just set down the sack And opened it up. I was taken aback! The most glorious whiz-bang that ever I'd seen! It was golden and purple and crimson and green! It sparkled and twinkled! It gleamed and it glittered! It buzzed and it whistled! It honked and it twittered! It had buttons and switches and a great big brass bell. Turning to Daschle, I said, What the hell?? It's a stimulus package! he exclaimed with a grin. To get the economy perking again! You've worked very hard and you've been a good boy, So I brought you this present! Enjoy it! Enjoy! And giving a wink and a nod and a whistle, He flew up the chimney like a human cruise missile. As I stood there a-quiver and bursting with glee Another wee elf crept from under the tree! His eyes were so beady, his smile so smirky, His nose was so pointy, his speech was so quirky, I knew him in an instant, without even a thought. Saint Dubya! I cried. Look what Tom Daschle brought! Good gracious! said Dubya, Oh brother! Oh boy! Such presents are not for the hoi and polloi! They re for billionaires, zillionaires, big corporations the truly deserving in our mighty nation! And with no more ado, he snatched the gift back, And stuffed it inside of his huge bulging sack. Saint Dubya! I moaned. You can't leave us this way, With no stimulus package for our Christmas Day! Of course, said Saint Dubya, you get something too. Here's a stimulus package designed just for you. And reaching deep into his fat bulging bag, He pulled out an object that looked like a rag And handed it to me. It was an old sock, With a thing in the toe that felt like a rock. Here's a nice Christmas stocking, with a fine lump of coal, Saint Dubya said, grinning. Now I ve gotta roll. Lots of houses to visit, lots of people to see! And he dashed out the door (after snatching our tree). But I heard him exclaim from his pickup truck: Happy Stimulus to some, and to others good luck! DUBYA'S 10 DAZE O' CHRISTMAS (2000) ON THE FIRST DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *The Guv agrees that "Texas should establish a 'loser-pays' system for civil lawsuits." (Texas Eagle Forum '98 Candidate Questionnaire) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Jessica Mathews, president of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace: "Over and over again you verbally hand off questions on foreign policy to advisors you [don't have now but] would have, once elected -- something you don't do on domestic policy issues. Why is that? Do you view foreign policy as less important than other issues? Do you believe that after the Cold War a president need be less informed on these matters? How dependent should a president be on advisors on any major set of issues?" *On December 25th, Why Not Celebrate "Cab Callowaymas. On December 25, 1907, Mr. Minnie the Moocher, the original crossover artist (one of the first black band leaders to become popular with white audiences) was born. Celebrate by donning a white tuxedo with tails and taking the A train into Harlem. Tap-dance a lot and wish everyone a hearty "Hi di, hi di, hi di, ho, ho, ho." Plop the kiddies in front of the TV and pop that old Betty Boop cartoon into the VCR. (Cab provided the music, vocals and inspiration for the dancing skeletons in the haunted "St. James Infirmary" sequence.) Shake your head and remember the good ol' days." (Gentry Lane) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK."COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM [IS] MOST IMPORTANTLY, MAKING SURE THAT GOVERNMENT IS NOT THE ANSWER TO PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS." (12/5/98) *Surviving Bush Tip #1."When defending your food pile, remember to aim for the center of the face." ON THE SECOND DAZE O' CHRISTMAS * George Two DOES NOT agree that "taxpayer financed sports arenas profit investors while forcing tax burdens on families." (Texas Eagle Forum '98 Candidate Questionnaire) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK."If I decide to [run for President], it will be to restore the promise of America. And I'll define what that means later." (11/15/98) *On December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Rod Serlingmas. "On this day in 1924, "Twilight Zone's" deadpan host and creator, Rod Serling, was born. This holiday allows for some free-form adaptation. Choose your favorite "Twilight Zone" episode and spend the day reenacting pivotal moments from it in the public setting of your choice. Some personal favorites include: Talking Tinamas: Carry around a baby doll that says 'Mommy. Daddy. I'm going to kill you.' Eye of the Beholdermas: You and your friends wear pig-face masks and walk around shrieking in horror when you encounter 'conventionally attractive' people. Queen of the Nilemas: Adopting the doomed glamour of a fading movie star, try to place a magic scarab on a youthful victim's chests (so you can suck out the life that's left in them in order to retain your ageless beauty)." (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Michael Lind, senior fellow at the New America Foundation and Washington editor of Harper's: "There's been a great deal of discussion in the past decade about the revolution in military affairs, or 'RMA.' Do you think there is an RMA? If so, would you tell us which aspects of the present military are obsolete, in terms of services and technologies. What major weapons systems or organizational systems would you phase out?" *Surviving Bush Tip #2. "When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner, and pleasant telephone voice." ON THE THIRD DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *Dubya agrees that "Texas should NEVER adopt a state income tax, even to pay for education." (Texas Eagle Forum '98 Candidate Questionnaire) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK. Any candidate for President needs "a reason to run...a vision...I think I've got a pretty clear view of where a better tomorrow is for everybody...The reasons to do it are reasons you've heard me talk about some...Ushering in the responsibility era. Or the best education system in the country. And, of course, other national issues I would be confronted with." 7/17/98 *On December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Stars and Stripesmas? It was on December 25, 1896, that John Philip Sousa finally committed to paper a melody that had been haunting him for several days. That catchy little ditty was none other than the patriodelic "The Stars and Stripes Forever." In order to celebrate Sousa's Stars and Stripesmas properly, search bargain bins and garage sales for months or even years in advance to make one single tape of every version of "The Stars and Stripes Forever" that's ever been recorded. We're talking Zamfir's Pan Flute version, the Moog Synthesizer version, the U.S. Navy Marching Band, Nirvana, the Hollywood Strings. Every version. Ideally, Sousa's Stars and Stripesmas should be celebrated in a patriotic setting: Philadelphia, Arlington Cemetery or in front of the Alamo. One should wear turn-of-the-century garments and ride around on one of those bicycles with the really big front wheel. (Cycling was America's predominant pastime in 1896.) But if you can't pull that off, just wear red, white and blue, drink lots of hearty ale and make up your own words to the song you would love to forget." (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Jorge Dominguez, director of the Center for International Studies at Harvard University: "When a coup takes place in Pakistan, do you praise the coup leader as improving prospects for stability and for having been a good U.S. ally (as you told reporter Andy Hiller), or do you criticize the coup for breaking the prospects for constitutional consolidation?" And a second question, inspired by last week's World Trade Organization talks in Seattle: "What should be the role of labor and environmental standards in trade negotiations and agreements?" *Surviving Bush Tip #3. "Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the coming Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium." ON THE FOURTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *The Guv agrees that "judges should be permitted to display the Ten Commandments within their courtrooms." (Texas Eagle Forum '98 Candidate Questionnaire) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK. Part of my Hispanic strategy is "to send a message to people from around the country as to how to pick up the Hispanic vote." 6/21/98 *On December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Barbara Mandrellmas. On her birthday "this Nashville darling deserves some celebrating. A marathon of her 1980s family variety show would be a lovely way to spend some quality time with someone dear, don't you think?" (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Charles Lane, editor at large, the New Republic: "How would your policy toward China be different from your father's?" *Surviving Bush Tip #4. "Integrate yourself into sewer-based tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon." ON THE FIFTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *Junior agrees that "hate crimes should NOT be expanded to include sexual orientation." (Texas Eagle Forum '98 Candidate Questionnaire) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK. With respect to my African-American strategy in Texas, "obviously, the Spanish component is not there." 8/23/98 *On December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Jimmy Buffettmas. "The birth of Jimmy Buffett can be properly celebrated in any suburb that has a Margaritaville restaurant. Declare yourself a 'parrothead,' don a Hawaiian shirt, imbibe hundreds of margaritas and run around screaming for your 'lost shaker of salt.' Warning: After too many margaritas it becomes easy to confuse Jimmy Buffett and Eddie Money. So whatever you do, under no circumstances sing 'Two Tickets to Paradise' (that's Eddie Money)." (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Mark Strauss, senior editor at Foreign Policy: "You have expressed amazement that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is still in power. You have said that if you found out he was developing weapons of mass destruction, you'd take them out. That's easily said, but not so easily done. How would your Persian Gulf policy differ from that of Bill Clinton? What specific steps would you take to remove Saddam from power and to prevent him from reconstituting his weapons of mass destruction?" *Surviving Bush Tip #5. "Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the time comes." ON THE SIXTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *George Too has said that a non-secretive clemency process in Texas would be a chance for people to rant and rail." A federal judge called the Guv's clemency procedure "extremely poor....the goal being to protect the secrecy and autonomy of the system rather than carrying out an efficient, legally sound system." *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK. "I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 --for dyslexics who have an emergency." 2/98 *Next December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Larry Csonkamas. "Sports enthusiasts already know that December 25 is Larry Csonkamas. Miami, Fla., is the place to celebrate his birthday by playing football the whole day. And it's Csonkamas, so everyone gets to be No. 39. At the end of the day, throw a big banquet where everyone takes turns giving short Hall of Fame acceptance speeches and recounting fond memories from Super Bowls VI, VII and VIII." (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by J. Peter Scoblic, editor of Arms Control Today: "In your Nov. 19 foreign-policy address you said that the key to combating proliferation is 'to constrict the supply of nuclear materials and the means to deliver them -- by making this a priority with Russia and China.' Yet you oppose the test-ban treaty and support national missile defense policies that China and Russia see as absolute barriers to further progress in arms control. How do you propose to gain the cooperation of the Russians and the Chinese in future non-proliferation efforts?" *Surviving Bush Tip #5. "Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes, and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person." ON THE SEVENTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *Bush Policy. "I take strong exception with defenders of the status quo who say that (a state program to have churches deliver welfare services) is just a government attempt to dump welfare caseloads....This is a government attempt to change someone's life in an active way....The idea is to provide a voucher that is redeemable at a church." (3/12/97) *GEORGE W. BUSHSPEAK. About my decision to run for President, "there is a lot of speculation and I guess there is going to continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends." (10/18/98) *Next December 25th, Why Not Celebrate Dean Martin Death Day? "This is the High Holy Day for the swing set. It also falls conveniently close to Frank Sinatramas (December 12). To celebrate properly, don a sharkskin suit or a beaded satin cocktail dress for your "gay apparel" and head to the holy land for high rollers: Las Vegas. (It's a travesty that the Sands no longer exists, making it impossible to visit the sacred spot in front of the marquee where the Rat Pack was photographed and immortalized into a top-selling postcard.) Dean Martin Death Day celebrants should, upon waking, immediately commence the obligatory 21-martini salute. Around martini No. 10, begin spontaneously bursting into strains of "That's Amore." By martini No. 21 everyone will be singing "Volare." End the night with some drunken off-color slurs, alleged spousal abuse and a retreat into obscurity." (Gentry Lane) *Foreign Policy Question to Bush by Michael O'Hanlon, senior fellow at the Brookings Institution: "Gov. Bush, how serious is your commitment to providing adequate resources for the U.S. armed forces in light of your pledge to spend all of the surplus -- and then some -- on a tax cut? And along the same lines, how would you prevent further cuts to a foreign-aid and diplomacy budget that most experts consider already underfunded?" *Surviving Bush Prediction #1." The internet collapses. It is replaced by a series of hillside gongs." (Ron Barrett) ON THE EIGHTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS Bush Boners."After George W. Bush received the most votes ever--7,418--in the Ames, Iowa, straw poll, he announced that 'we shattered every record' for the event. In fact, his percentsage of the total vote (31%) and margin of victory (10.5%) fell short of the all-time records, which were set in 1979--by his father." (Tx. Monthly) Bush News. The Houston Chronicle mistakenly translated into Spanish "Together We Can," the theme of George W. Bush's inauguration for his second term as governor, not as "Juntos Podemos," which is correct, but as "Juntos Pedemos," which means "Together We Fart." (Tx. Monthly) *George W. Bushspeak. You can't reach me by e-mail because "I'm worried about freedom of information requests from reporters getting stuck on my hard drive." 5/10/98 *Headlines of 2000. "N.R.A. opposes restricting sale of grenade launchers to pre-teens." (Christopher Buckley) Bush Bidness. "Californian Pat Rick, known as Counterfeit Bill for his Clinton impersonations, is helping to prep George W. Bush look-alike Brent Mendenhall of Missouri for a similar career in faux politics." (Tx. Monthly) *Surviving Bush Prediction #2."Protection extended to endangered species of pastry--the prune Danish and the bear claw." (Ron Barrett) ON THE NINTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *Bush Boners."Hoping to inspire the American Ryder Cup team to come from behind to defeat Europe, W. read to the golfers William Barrett Travis' last letter from the Alamo, which concludes with 'Victory or Death'." (Tx. Monthly) *Bush News. A wild celebration by the entire American Ryder Cup players and their immediate families on the putting green after a clutch putt drew rebukes from British journalists. One wrote that Americans were "repulsive people, charmless, rude, cocky, mercenary...full of nauseating fake religiosity, and as odious in victory as they are unsporting in defeat." No specific comment about Bush or his speech was offered. *George W. Bushspeak. "There's been a lot of TV. Now it's time to vote." 10/21/98 *Headlines of 2000. "Bush Dismisses Strafing Mexicans as "Exhuberant Youthful Prank.'" (Christopher Buckley) *Bush Bidness. "Crack Whores for Bush" t-shirts, mugs, and mouse pades are now available at www.cafepress.com/crckhos/ *Surving Bush Prediction #3."Major league baseball will be played in cars." (Ron Barrett) ON THE TENTH DAZE O' CHRISTMAS *Bush Boners."When George W. Bush learned that a Massachusetts computer consultant had already registered the Web site gwbush.com and was using it to parody his campaign, he exclaimed, "There ought to be limits to freedom.'" (Tx. Monthly) *George W. Bushspeak. "Obviously, the less publicity I'm able to achieve in California...the more I'm able to continue to send the message that my head and heart's right here in Texas." 5/12/98 *Bush News. "A story about George W. Bush's advisers on national issues that appeared in the New York Times contained the sentence, 'There may never have been a serious candidate who needed it more.' In a subsequent issue it was noted that the 'opinionated sentence' was really a private message between editors that had inadvertently slipped into the story." (Tx. Monthly) *Headlines of 2000. "Gore, seeking more distance from Clinton, now says he was never his Vice-President.'" (Christopher Buckley) *Bush Bidness. "Burke's Peerage designed a presidential coat of arms for George W. Bush bearing the Latin translation of 'The prodigal son will shine.'" (Tx. Monthly) *Surving Bush Prediction #4."Genetic engineering produces bacon and eggs from the same animal." (Ron Barrett) ...BACK TO BUSH WATCH Bush Watch is a non-advocacy site paid for by Politex, a non-affiliated U.S. citizen. Editorial Policy: All entries are dated and documented as needed. Text (c) 1998-2005 Politex. Permission of author required for reprinting.